Man has fire

Our mate Dave has recently bought a new house in Carlisle, and today held his grand housewarming barbeque. Since all the rest of Britain seems to be inundated with flood waters, I was convinced an outside party was a silly idea, and asked our pet Sun Goddess to do us a wee sun dance. In the event, though, she didn't read my request in time, and it didn't matter, as we managed a nice sunny afternoon without her help. I guess we deserve a break here in Cumbria, after last year's catastrophic flooding. It's someone else's turn this time.

So, what is it about blokes and barbies? They'll spend half an hour or more fighting to get the thing lit, then get fed up waiting and stick the food on top anyway, even though it's still not hot enough. They believe that pouring fat on the charcoal to create smoke speeds up the cooking process. They'll happily stand in the garden all afternoon watching a miniscule bit of flame sputtering under half a dozen sausages.

We women, now, if we're hungry, we put the food in the kitchen cooker, cook it and eat it. Done. And... in the end, the blokes ended up doing just the same. The sausages, burgers and kebabs went in the oven, got cooked, and were laid on top of the BBQ supposedly to keep them hot. (They didn't. They cooled down.) And the smoke wafted and gusted round the garden, making sure everyone got a turn.

Halfway through this non-cooking process I got fed up and took a wee trip to Asda as I'd heard they were selling the new Harry Potter book there for a fiver, but of course they were sold out. The kebabs still weren't ready when I got back. Mind you, they were worth waiting for. Absolutely delicious. Yum. And certainly nobody would have left hungry - there was loads to eat besides the hot food.

Since Dave's a Carlisle United fan (I was about to say the Carlisle United fan, but that's unfair - there must be another one) and his brother, who's also going to be living there, is a Workington Reds fan, I created a picture as a housewarming gift, showing a fictional tackle between two players from Carlisle and the Reds. I suspect this would be impossible in real life as they play in different leagues, but this is a bit of fantasy, so why not? Note the group of fans behind the Cumbrian flag, by the way...